Inner Voice

At the beginning of this semester (Semester 2 of M.Tech Computer Science at IIT Kharagpur), I felt like something was going to change this time around, and I was going to do better than I ever did. Now is that moment when things are going to change. And they will become better. Now what the definition of "better is", I don't know. But I do know this. Whatever change happens, will make me happy throughout the rest of my time here.

The load during this semester became overwhelmingly large. And as it grew, my spirit grew smaller. This spirit which I'm writing about, is that one, that helped me become who I am today. The spirit that loves to work in , and learn more about, this field of Computer science.

My last semester ended in a bang. I scored an "Excellent" grade in "EVERY" subject under the sun, and gained myself the nick-name "10 Pointer". I wanted to name this article 10 point someone, but I won't because that isn't what I want this entry to be about. I am writing this so as to make things clear; more to myself than to you, who are reading this; things about what my purpose of doing this course is, renewing my passion for my dream.

When I got the 10 point, I didn't think much about it. Thoughts only took form once I joined back for the next semester at IIT -Kgp. I started to feel the pressure. "I was a topper in my local university in Goa. I never thought I was good enough then. I thought it was a joke being the topper there, because I didn't think I was smart enough to be called so... But NOW........ Oh my!!!... I have topped in IIT too? But I still feel like I don't deserve the name. And if I don't deserve the name, what will happen when everyone tests me this semester, just to find out if I really am that smart or not? What if I don't do as well as they expect? What will they say about me then? That this boy isn't really what we give him credit for being...".

All these thoughts, in addition to the fact that I chose to challenge myself by taking all heavy courses this semester, started, and succeeded, getting me down.

Now let me see the truth, the reality of my life. Yes, I did top Goa University... And with good reason. And the proof is that I taught some of my friends in my college and they appreciated me for it. So I definitely am knowledgeable? "I" got into IIT didn't I? And "I" answered those IIT exam question papers and scored well in them, in spite of having my 2nd permanent residence on Facebook the last semester! "I" scored a perfect 10 point GPA in the first semester. So yes, I CAN DO IT! I know I can.  And I do deserve it. And I worked hard and do deserve to appreciate myself as someone who "KNOWS". I don't need the tests of others to prove that to myself. 

So back to the title of this entry, "INNER VOICE". The load this semester has increased. And I have made many mistakes this time around. So what lessons can I take from this?.. Its time to ask myself the question... What does my Inner voice tell me that I want to do? What do I want to do, independent of what others say i.e. doing well, getting good marks, getting a good IIT type high salaried job? No! What I can do, day in and day out, being happy, 12 out of 24 hours a day, not  caring about income or anything of the sort, is teaching. That is my purpose. And I am here, at IIT, to better prepare myself for that chapter of my life. Getting a good score last semester was a result of my innocent struggle to improve myself so that I can better fulfill my dream of teaching.

Now the question is what does that mean? "Prepare myself for that time". What it means to me is that, while I am here in IIT, I must "learn" as much from my subjects as possible, following the advice of my professors when they assign work as assignments etc...; without making grades and marks and jobs my priority. Just to do my best. My results will reflect how much I have taken from this course, and will be a good feedback to keep my ego in check. But I'm not going to allow last semester's 10 point to take control of my life.

For me, writing this, there is a purpose. But for you reading it, if you are not a 10 pointer, you might feel like there is no point in reading about a 10 pointer complaining about his experiences. Yes. But my perspective is from a position different from your's. It is similar though. 

For you, my message is this. Don't let your grades or any other external factor influence your true purpose of doing what you are doing. Remind yourself of Why you are doing it, and then take action holding onto your dream. The results will follow.

And most importantly ENJOY LIFE... BECAUSE YOU ONLY LIVE TODAY ONCE!

One small crux to the "Enjoy Life" phrase is this. Enjoy life the way "YOU" would enjoy life. Not the way your friends say you should enjoy life. Don't do the things others think mean "Enjoying Life". You won't enjoy that. You will only feel worse and end up with regrets, while those around you laugh at what you are doing. Do what you feel good doing. That't it!

Time to go and make that change :)
-The Phoenix